First post of 2009 and I hope to improve :)

So... it's the first day of two thousand and nine... Wow. I honestly didn't think I'd get this far. Two thousand and eight has been a crazy, weirdly wonderful, fast-paced year that has, ironically, been pretty drawn out. Filled with many challenges that I was sure I would NEVER get through, along with a suitcase full of incredible blessings, the year two thousand and eight has been extremely diverse-but in a good way :)

A year ago I woke up as a young, sixteen-year-old girl who didn't have any idea what was going to head her way that year. I was in my second semester in eleventh grade. I didn't have my learners, I.D, or really much of a clue. At least… not as much of one as I do now.

A year ago, I woke up unaware. Unaware of how sad and weird it would be to say goodbye to my bestest friend who was moving to the UK, across the world from me. Unaware of how hard it would be to have someone who was my tutor and very close friend move away to Arizona with her family. Unaware of the fact that when my Grandparents went back to the United States again, it would be for good :( Oblivious to the fact that my closest group of friends was about to disband and disperse into smaller numbers. We were all growing up and getting jobs. Half of us had graduated and were either going to college or going on gap year to the UK. It made sense. But it was hard, and it still hurts.

I hadn’t really realized how vital it was to work hard so I could get good grades in school, pass my SATs with really good scores, and basically just didn’t see how beneficial expanding my general knowledge would be. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t have things all figured out at all! But I see now, if I had just worked a little harder in my junior year in high school, my senior year wouldn’t be so hard. My SAT scores would be a lot better if I had taken a few extra minutes out to study every day. I wouldn’t have to worry whether I’d be bright enough by the time I got to college, cause now, college is peering at me from around the corner, only a few more strides ‘til I’m there it seems. I think my grades will be good enough, but I do wish they were better.

The year of two thousand and eight has also shown me how faithful the Lord is in one’s life, no matter what you do. Whether I’ve prayed only once in a day or thirty times in a day, He is ever faithful and never gives up on me. Even if I haven’t read His Word in a week, He still talks to me and makes me constantly aware of His presence in my life. How cool is that?? I don’t know of anyone who would still love me as much if I didn’t talk, email, text, or write to him or her for a while. I know I want to better my relationship with Him this year, and that will be my primary goal :)

On to other things to look forward to, I’ve had my learners since September and, Lord willing, hope to get my drivers on my eighteenth birthday, which is on the twenty-first of February J I graduate in May of this year and then will probably be going off to college in Arizona, which starts in August! A year ago I didn’t think I’d begin my studies until at least two thousand and ten. I didn’t think it would be in Arizona for a degree in teaching for that matter either, but it’s incredible how the Lord works…

Anyway, I guess the main point of this is that I just wish I had been a little smarter with my time; a little wiser too; a little more patient with my siblings; a little more humble concerning what I knew was best for me; and a lot less concerned about what the world would think of me… Back in the beginning of two thousand and eight I wish I had thought ahead, even if it was only a couple steps ahead of where I was. The year two thousand and nine has one day down, and many more to go. I know I can make a difference this year and make up for some of the many mistakes I made last year! And I can only thank my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, for giving me another year. For giving me this chance to live my life better than I ever have before. I dedicate my eighteenth year of life to Him, and only Him :)

Distant Reflections

So far away
A sense of longing
I'm overwhelmed
I miss you

Thoughts are racing
There's no sound
Just the music in my ears
The air is dry
No one around
My face wet with tears

I love you
More than I thought I did
Your eyes reflect my thoughts
They beg me to come closer

I'm scared
And I don't know why
I guess I'm afraid to jump
To take the plunge
To trust you

How do you know it'll be fine?
How do you know it'll be okay?
You love me
I guess that's enough
Enough for me to believe
You're here to stay :)

I guess I question what's imminent
I suppose I doubt
I know I shouldn't
[together we're never apart]

Hold me
Remind me
Of what it is I'm trying to say
I love you
And need you
Never leave, it's here I'll stay

I won't question what's imminent
I'll never doubt
It's you I want
Together we're never apart

No Kids Allowed

In today’s society we see hundreds and possibly even thousands of teenagers in search of love. They want what their parents and other adults have; they want to find security in a significant other. Yet, they don’t quite have the maturity to be responsible enough for the commitment!

So you have two people. They’re genuinely attracted to each other and decide to pursue a relationship. They’re hopeful that this new chapter in their life will become something special that will ultimately lead to marriage. They’re hopeful that this person could be their life-long soul mate. Things look good for a while, but somehow something breaks down between them causing heartache, frustration, loneliness, and, more often than not, the scenario repeats itself in other relationships down the line.

Some people blame dating itself for this roller coaster of emotions, and deem dating as an unhealthy activity. They would rather find an alternative, such as group friendships, until two people have selected each other to court exclusively. Your choice really depends on what kind of person you are.

Dating does have its risks. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean that teenagers shouldn’t date, but it does mean one’s maturity is very important here. By its very nature, dating is experimental, with little commitment initially, so someone can get out of a relationship without having to justify himself much. Putting lots of emotional investment into a relationship can be very dangerous. Thus, dating works best between two responsible people.

Many of the struggles people experience in dating are, at heart, caused by some problem in the area of freedom, caused by some problem in the area of responsibility. By freedom, I mean one’s ability to make choices based on one’s own values, rather than choosing out of fear or of guilt. Free people make commitments because they feel it’s the right thing to do, and they are whole-hearted about their decision. By responsibility, I mean one’s ability to execute tasks in keeping the relationship healthy and loving, as well as one’s ability to say “no” to things you shouldn’t be doing. Responsible people bear their part of the dating relationship, but they don’t tolerate harmful or inappropriate behavior.

In the end, dating is about people seeking love. When they find love, and it matures, they often make deep commitments to each other. Freedom and responsibility are necessary for love to develop in dating. When two individuals allow each other freedom and take ownership of the relationship, they are creating an atmosphere for love to grow and mature. Freedom and responsibility create a safe and secure environment for a couple to love, trust, explore, and deepen their experiences of each other.

Awakening

Today I realized something;
I realized I've been asleep.
I've been living this life,
From day to day,
As if life were just a dream.
Bearing no burdens,
Bearing no shame,
Dreaming each hour and minute away!
This dream is constant.
Never ending.
This is the truth,
I'm not pretending.
I will wake up,
I'll shake this off,
Begin living my life,
And get off the floor.
I'll open my eyes,
And start getting dressed,
Watch my first sunrise
Again and again.
I'll open my eyes
And unlock the door.
I'll live out my life
As I should have before.

The Dream

Paper and pencils

Long walks and utensils

Black hearts and red roses

It stops, then it poses

My shoes are unmatching

My soul it is catching

The city lights shine brightly

I cling to your arm tightly

Together, yet alone

I am with you on my own

I hate this emptiness

Want to let go of selfishness

I love you please don’t change

Want to be with you every day

Despite my imperfections

You chose me by selection

Put together broken pieces

With glue and love, no recess

Lachrymose and shaking

Is my heart yours for the breaking?

You take me and you hold me

And reassure you love me

You look into my eyes and swear

You’ll always stay and always care

You take me then and kiss me

And say that you will miss me

I wake up then and realize

This was a dream no compromise

Tears flowing down, my pillow’s wet

This was a dream I won’t forget

I know my dream will always be

A dream for all eternity

So I’ll go back to sleep and pray

My dream will come, and I, in it, stay

Shattered Soul

As time goes on, my soul is ignored

Like the door to the room that’s gone unexplored.

Like an empty house that people abandoned,

Dusty and dirty, my soul, I imagine.

The windows that I used to look in to see,

The soul that was once so reflective of me,

Are shattered and broken, too hard to repair!

Now remembering, I drop to my knees in despair.

The soul I once thought to be my dearest friend,

I’ve left with that old house that no one will mend.

Cobwebs and spiders, my soul’s roommates are.

Alone and unwanted, what’s left? Just a scar;

A wound in my heart that will never cure!

Consequences of which, I’ll have to endure.